Writing for me, is more a need than a want.
Chaos can reign, and pulling my mind together to write something, good or bad, can pull my life together just enough to be who I needed to be in the first place.
It’s also exhilarating.
When it’s going the way you want it to, God, it can take your my breath away, speed it up, or get it stuck in your throat where your fingers and pen are flying until they reach this critical point and…WHOOSH. You breathe, or you stop, your light-headed and relaxed…and there it is.
There are so many blessings I’ve been given, so many that I didn’t recognize in the first place, but do now. I won’t list them here, they deserve their own post, their own time.
Today is for dreams that I wanted, always imagined, and as it turns out that I didn’t give up on. I wanted to write, no matter wherever, if ever, it took me anywhere. I also wanted a degree.
I thought I gave up on both. I thought, I thought I wasn’t good enough for both. I know I’ve been told I wasn’t, both lovingly and in hate.
Thank God I rarely listen too fully to anything I don’t want to hear.
I was accepted and enrolled into Tulane University and I jumped in with both feet. I am taking full courses and in close to two years, I plan on walking away from that place with pride in my heart and two degrees in my hands.
I am not slow, nor disillusioned about the dedication or pain or joy that will come from this. That my children will miss me in the evenings, but have me during that day. My husband, the other half of my body and soul will miss me during those times, too, and I will miss and need him.
But I need this for me. I need this to complete the person I was meant to be when placed on this earth. Why? I do not know. Why when I write can it stop any Bipolar tear my body is on? I don’t know.
It just is. It just does.
We’ve all had dreams as a child, some changed as we aged to fit the person we became. Some children only hoped to survive. I know this too. Those that did will be remarkable if they allow it.
We all have something in us, something I believe the Creator placed in us before we were ever conceived. Someone we were supposed to be. Sometimes we take the long way around to start it; sometimes we need the long way around to appreciate it.
Do not let go of who you are, no matter the route you chose to find it. Do not be afraid to be confused. Do not be worried of fear.
Be afraid of never trying. Be afraid of never wanting.